You’ve hyped up your upcoming vacation to all of your friends and co-workers, and you can’t wait to plaster your Facebook page with pictures of you in your swimsuit sipping brightly colored cocktails. In your mind you might be about to embark on the glamorous journey of a lifetime, but travel plans don’t always go as anticipated. We’ve rounded up the worst to best ways to travel, so you can strap on your adventure boots and prepare for some fun (and not so fun) ways to get around:
From afar, these four-legged beasts look downright adorable. But as you approach this hairy member of the equidae family, you start to realize things might not go as you imagined. When you mount your donkey, it responds by throwing back its head and peeling its pink lips back, emitting an ear-splitting “haaaaaw!” From that point on, you know you’ve made a grave mistake. Flies buzz around you unapologetically landing in your hair, and your donkey poops as he pleases. Suddenly you understand why the bad little boys in “Pinocchio” were turned into these sassy, stinky creatures. Not to mention how uncomfortable your crotch is. But, dang it all, these beasts are as reliable as the day is long. With the ability to easily go “off road” and stubbornly plod forward to your destination, they’ll get you where you need to be (slowly).
Riding in a rickshaw sounded so fun, until you climbed inside the bustling carriage. Don’t get me wrong, riding around in these puppies can actually be a blast. They’re speedy, which means you won’t get stuck sitting in traffic. However, as you try to enjoy the sights whizzing by you, all you can focus on is your poor “driver.” You did gain some weight this year, and he is sweating trying to pull you and your travel companions uphill. As your rickety cart makes hairpin turns, you can’t help feeling like you’re the butt of a long-time joke—the fateful chicken crossing the road. As you try to quiet your internal squawking and enjoy the ride, you can’t help but think: Is this even legal? Does this guy belong to a union? Luckily, you have the common sense to at least tip once you’re done…as if that makes up for it.
Cabs are used all over the world and for good reason. In general, they’re pretty quick and relatively inexpensive. And in certain cities around the world, you’d be just plain loco to rent a car and drive yourself. The questionable part is in fact your driver. You could get a big burly dude named Maurice who is making hairpin turns and keeps his cab about as clean as a pigsty, or you could get a more agreeable fellow, we’ll call him Arnie, who runs a tight ship and is polite as can be. Cross your fingers that you won’t have to hold your breath due to a foul stench in the car, but hey, you can always cut your ride short. You had a…change of plans? And you need to get out, right here—now! STOP THE CAR!
You decided to spend some vacation time traveling on a sailboat to connect with the ocean. When you made the choice, you pictured yourself feeling invigorated by the salty sea air and whipping your hair in the wind while drinking champagne. There might be a bit more bird poop than you imagined, but hey—you do feel like a salty siren. Good thing you packed your horizontally striped shirt and Tommy Hilfiger shorts for just such an occasion. You don’t need the skills of Popeye to spend some time sailing, and you’re willing to drop the cash to have someone captain the boat for you. Sit back and relax while dolphins merrily splash in the ocean waves around you. Was that a delighted dolphin squeal, or the sound of your own joyous laughter escaping you? Eeee!
You’ve made it to the big leagues. Even if you’re on this private jet by a mere stroke of luck, you don’t need to tell your in-flight butler that. Act like you own this aircraft and ask Jeeves for another glass of champagne and a foot rub. Chop chop! Enjoy being hand-fed grapes while you travel 30,000 feet up in the air. Are you allowed to just fly forever and never land? Jeeves, go ask the captain if we can fly to infinity! It’s so much better up here. Definitely the best way to travel.