At this point in your life, you imagined family Christmases would be spent gathered around a fireplace with loved ones, tearfully whispering about the joy and wonder of the season. In reality, your brother spends the holiday whining about how he wanted the iPhone 6, not<\/em> 5s, and your mom goes into a passive-aggressive tail spin about inconsiderate shoppers at the health food store and your lack of marriage proposals. Perhaps it\u2019s best to skip the ham-fueled social activities this winter. Wouldn\u2019t you rather kick back and watch Netflix in the comfort of your own home, instead of being force-fed eggnog and fruitcake by your great aunt while your dad tries to talk politics? Avoiding family during the holidays can be tricky, so we\u2019ve gathered some foolproof excuses to help you out:<\/p>\n

1. You\u2019re too broke to travel<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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\u201cSorry, Ma! I can\u2019t make it this year, I spent all my money on donating meals to street youths.\u201d They can\u2019t blame you for having financial problems, or being generous to orphans. Caution: Only use this excuse if your family is too cheap to offer to fly you themselves. Otherwise, it could backfire immediately. Everyone knows traveling around the holidays is expensive, so exploit this knowledge to benefit you.<\/p>\n

2. You\u2019re having \u201cstomach problems\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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Say the phrase \u201cstomach problems\u201d to someone, and they\u2019ll immediately be disgusted. Besides, your dad has had a weak stomach for years! Kindly remind him of the three-hour road trip you took together, when he made you pull over nine<\/em> times (he had to go, dangit)<\/em>. No one wants to imagine what could be happening to you in the bathroom; they\u2019ll assume the worst, which is exactly what you want! Take it a step further by saying \u201cit\u2019s coming out of both ends\u201d and you might even get out of next year\u2019s festivities, too.<\/p>\n

3. Your boss is a tyrant<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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Blame it on your boss! \u201cYou guys know Jeff can be a real Scrooge this time of year, he\u2019s making us all work overtime.\u201d Your grandma will shed a solitary tear that you\u2019ll be missing out on her famous quiche, but you\u2019ll be sitting pretty on your throne of lies.<\/p>\n

4. Your pet is petrified<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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What kind of Grinch won\u2019t sympathize with pet problems? Whether you\u2019re saying your precious pooch contracted small pox, has bladder-control issues when flying, or you can\u2019t find anyone to watch him (which is usually true), your pet is the perfect excuse. Take a picture of Fido making woeful puppy dog eyes and send it to all of your contacts. Not only will you be able to skip rocking around the Christmas tree, but a jovial uncle might even send some treats for your fur baby\u2014Lassie should be rewarded for going above and beyond the call of duty, after all.<\/p>\n

5. Your friend just got dumped<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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Feel free to use this excuse for any event you want to get out of, no matter the season. Admittedly, it works better if you\u2019re a female, because people assume we have delicate lady-brains that can\u2019t handle emotional distress. Use this stereotype to your advantage and say that your friend needs to be consoled by your good buddies, Ben and Jerry, and can\u2019t be left alone for fear of calling her (now) ex-boyfriend in a sugar-fueled rage. Therefore, you obviously can\u2019t make caroling with the in-laws.<\/p>\n

6. Your car is on fire<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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For the last minute cop-out, say that your flight was canceled or your car broke down. Add in some type of fire element to the story if you\u2019re nervous that it won\u2019t sound dramatic enough. Make sure there is no way for parties involved to confirm or deny your claims (don\u2019t say your flight was canceled if your parents are tech-savvy enough to check online\u2014maybe even throw in a fake Facebook post for good measure, \u201cCar died, holidays are RUINED! ~Sad face emoji~\u201d). Ideally, you can bust this one out when you\u2019re supposed to drive home for the holidays, but it can easily be applied in combination with excuse #1 if you were planning to fly.<\/p>\n

No judgment here\u2014we know that holidays spent with family translate to more frequent trips to your therapist\u2019s office (you already have enough bills from her\u2026don\u2019t forget the harrowing clown incident from earlier this year). \u00a0Whether you\u2019re trying to avoid your mother who\u2019s more psychotic than a Chihuahua on antidepressants or your uncle who is constantly trying to one-up your dad (\u201cOh, you reeled in a bluefin? I caught a great white once.\u201d), we get it. Whatever your reason, say goodbye to lipstick-stained kisses from Aunt Marge, and cozy up to your cup-o-noodles on the couch. You\u2019re free (even if you might be on Santa\u2019s naughty list for lying)!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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